So Much Has Changed

Wow! It's been a very long time since I put anything on by blog. So much has changed. All the anguish and ups and downs of my life with Terry are a thing of the past. I wasted 3 long years with him and tried with all my heart and soul to make it work, but alas, some things are just not meant to be

After moving in with him, as stated on my last blog, it was good for a little while before it all started to fall apart. He really didn't want a girlfriend or a companion, he just wanted a roommate. He just wanted my money to help pay his bills. He didn't want to spend any time at all with me. Everything was a NO. Do you want to go out to eat? No. Do you want to go see a movie? No. Do you want to walk around the block? No. Do you want to sit at the table and eat dinner with me? No. Do you want to sit and have a conversation with me? No. Do you want to spend time with me? No. No. No. No. No. No, was all I heard from him.

I was so lonely and let me tell you it is very lonely to live in a house with someone who doesn't want to talk to you or spend any time with you.

I gave it all I had for a long time and for the last year I knew I wanted to leave but I loved his family so much that I couldn't bring myself to say goodbye. I thought maybe I could just stay so I could have his family in my life. But I wasn't with them everyday and they couldn't fill that void he left in my heart. I finally just had to walk away with a broken heart, not over him, but over his family that I had grown to love so very much. I don't miss him at all, but I do think about Tricia, Terry Jr.,Paige, Mariah, Peyton and Elijah,Tami and Bria every single day.

But I am moving on, making a new life for myself. Loving my new apartment and reaching out an making new friends every chance I get. The next man that comes into my life will have to take it slow and let me learn to trust him. I am have learned to take it one day at a time and let life happen as it may, no expectations.

Finally

Whew, after dealing with the winter weather I finally got moved in to Terry's house (which he sweetly refers to as 'our house'). I spent all that time packing and now I'm spending a lot of time un-packing. I have to say the un-packing is much easier. I have most of my boxes unpacked except for those last few boxes that have all the random things I can't live without, yet I'm not quite sure what to do with.

This is the first time I have 'moved in' with someone else and it has been interesting trying to meld two peoples lives together. Terry has been gracious with his 'space' and so far all my things seem to be fitting quite nicely with his. He likes 'modern' things and I like 'vintage' things, so our decor may be a bit different! Probably in about a month I will be completely settled and I will take pictures to post here.

I do have to say, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't thank God for sending him to me. I am so happy with him and feel incredibly blessed to be part of his life.

Boxes, Boxes and More Boxes

I am moving and I am so excited to begin this new adventure in my life. Even though I am surrounded by boxes I am beside myself with joy. I have been spending most of my time this last couple of weeks (when I'm not at work) sorting and deciding what to pack, what to give away and what to put in storage. At times it is daunting, but I take it one spot at a time and that seems to help. When I get all moved and settle in, I will try and post some pictures of my new home.

Christmas Time

This year Christmas was probably the best Christmas I've had since 2000. I love Christmas, the time with family and friends, the lights, the smells, the sounds. But since I lost Paul (my son) in 2001, Christmas has been hard to get through. Each year I become more used to dealing with his absence, but always in the back of my mind he is there, in the quiet moments, my heart breaks and the tears flow. I wish that Paul could have been with us all this year. I would love for him to meet all his nieces, I know he would love to be around them. I wish he could meet Terry and see how happy Terry makes me.

This year was easier for me. I spent Christmas Eve with Terry and woke up Christmas morning with him and it was the sweetest time. Just being with Terry made me feel good and warm and wonderful. I can't explain in words just how wonderful this year was, having Terry to share it with. I am so thankful to have him in my world.

It's Nice When It's a Yes

I pray a lot and I know God answers prayers. But it is really nice this time that it was answered with a 'yes'. I know sometimes God answers with a 'no' and that eventually I realize that 'no' was the best answer for my life. But when it's a 'yes' and I've been waiting a long time, then is so much sweeter.

Hope

I feel a new hope in my life.

I think despite the heartache of not hearing one word from Terry, I know this will work out for the best for me. Things happen for a reason and even though I don't know the reason right away, in time I think I will understand. I think God has something better for me, either a new man or no one. Either way as long as I trust the Lord I think it will all work out for the best for me. I'm going to a class at The Vineyard that I know is just what I need. I am really learning a lot about who I am and what I really need in my life. So keep me in your prayers that I can remain hopeful and keep smiling on the inside and the outside!

Learning, Learning, Learning

They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks. Well maybe this 'old dog' can learn some new tricks. Each day I learn lessons, some welcome, some not so welcome.

Recently I've learned to:
1. listen to my heart
2. go slower, a lot slower
3. not to put my entire world in one basket
4. not to wear my heart on my sleeve
5. keep things to myself

A side note to all my friends who I have made crazy talking about my love life (and my problems), you can relax now, I'll try and just be me from now on.